I recently spent some time with my friends over the weekend. Like most conversations went, we catch up with recent trends in our life and how we were doing. Trust me, our talks was not something I am was prepared for. Not even the smallest bit. You see, I’m the type of person who listens and asks more questions than answers one. If I happen to notice that the spotlight is on me and my personal life, I end up getting scared than happy. It is as if I’m walking on an alley and I suddenly hit the dead-end. I then feel like I’m boxed out in the corner with no where to hide. The next thing I know, all my senses has left me. Then I shut down. As to when I recover is definitely beyond me. This is the time when I totally am silent. This is only because if I have questions, it’s more directed to me and my inner self.
You might would ask, why I came there in the first place when I knew for myself that I wasn’t ready. But can I help it if I so miss my friends that bad? It’s been months since we had a real conversation. I guess the reason why I shut myself off from others and keep giving them incoherent replies are due to my trust issues. Opening up to someone this past months have been so hard because I didn’t want to wallow myself with all my issues when I know I have greater responsibilities to attend to. Breaking down was not something that I could afford at the moment. Nor would I like to burden them with my problems when I know they do have their own weights to carry. But then again, like a bad dream, it will continue to hunt you down until such time that you are able to conquer it.
Like the story of a cup of water. Holding up half a cup of water with your arms outstretched is easy but what you’ll soon realize is when you actually hold it more than your supposed to, that is when you’ll feel the weight of the water boring through your shoulder blades and arms. You could have chosen to let go of the cup to end your misery but you chose to hold it for a while longer thinking that you’d manage. But as they say, not all secrets are meant to be kept as secrets for so long. They will only drag you and keep you down. They are dead weights. No amount of physical fitness could prepare you for this kind of weight. No matter how much I often hit the gym to keep myself toned, I just think that this one’s got to go.
So maybe, just maybe, this is my first step to that. As they would say, it all starts with Acceptance.